In Control

I’m a control freak. Not in the sense I want to control others, but in the sense I need to be in control of my self. I clash with authoritarians, those who seek to be authority and those who believe we should submit to authority. So it stands to reason, I clash with a lot of people.

Im an introvert. Not in the shy wall flower stereotype, but in the fashion, I like to keep to myself, while not completely being isolated. I never understood myself growing up, and no one else did either. I was bullied a lot in school. I never had close friends, at least not long term. Growing up in Maine, Walden was required reading. Ever since I read Thoreaus words I wanted that life. As an adult, and more so today as I write this, as it compelled me to write this, I understand myself so much more. And I need to share.

I am INFJ- Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging -(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling). This description describes who I am in way I can understand it.

The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get “feelings” about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people’s feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people’s opinions. They believe that they’re right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves – there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don’t believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Last May I experienced something that changed me in ways I did not like. In ways I didn’t recognize until recently. How ever you perceive what happened, my perception is what is important to me. I am the only one who can tell the story of what happened to me. Recently I listened to the full audio. I don’t recall listening to my husbands recordings before. Its haunting. You can listen here if you like. Someone hosted all of it. I’ve not made my own.

While I was skeptical of the state then, I still held a little faith. I had some belief in individual rights, presumed innocence and due process. All that was taken away that night. I didn’t understand it. I still don’t. The abuse of power has destroyed a part of me. You know that feeling when a cop pulls up behind you while you are driving? You sit a little straighter, you keep an eye on your speedometer. You put your blinker on way too soon. Count to 4 at the stop sign for good measure. You are anxious. Nervous. You know you haven’t broken any law, but you still feel on edge. I feel like that 24/7. But I feel it more intensely. And when I actually see a cop, I begin to break down. My heart rate increases as if I had been running. I begin to cry. Even talking about it does that to me.

I’m no longer in control of myself. The emotions have taken over. I hate it. I do ok if I’m focused, but everywhere I turn there is something that brings me back to last May. The abuse I’ve suffered not just from the state, but from the states minions, those who continue to harass, bully and emotionally abuse us is hard to balance. People tell me to walk away. Ignore it. But I can’t. It’s still there. Its embedded into my life. I feel powerless.

I want MY life back. I need to be in control again. I’m not going to hide, walk away. It’s MY life. These are MY choices. I need to be a free spirit. A sovereign being. Living as God designed me. I can’t live in this invisible cage.  I’m not going to let others define who I am, whether supportive or critical. I’m tired and worn down, but that will not stop me. That’s not who I am. It never has been. My life belongs to me and no one else. And I will fight to protect it. And more importantly protect those who God has given me stewardship over. I will continue to follow the path I chose. To be the person I want to be. To leave the legacy I was meant to leave. Either you are here to embrace my journey and be a positive force or you need to get the hell out of my way.