The Birth of William Joseph

posted in: Birth Story | 167

*Warning. This post may be upsetting to some. It talks about childbirth and death.

This is my birth story.

I woke Friday morning as usual and got ready for work. My husband decided to drive me in and run a few errands. On the way to work I had some discomfort which felt like gas or contractions. When I arrived I had a large bowel movement which I attributed to the pain. I went to start my day when I became dizzy, so I laid down a moment. Then I felt nauseous so I headed to the bathroom. My husband had left to the store and when he came back I had just laid down on the bathroom floor, I was just really dizzy and nauseous. I told him what was going on, he decided we needed to go to the hospital. He left the room (Olivia stayed with me) to get things ready and I had sat up. When he had come back I had started to pass out. We went to the ER to have my blood pressure and baby checked.

By the time I arrived at the hospital, about 15 minutes later, I wasnt able to stand. I was barely keeping awake. They sent me straight to Labor and Delivery. They took my vitals and my blood pressure was extremely low. They tried to use the dopplar to hear the heartbeat with no luck. They did a blood draw and got the ultrasound machine to try the heartbeat again. That’s when we learned the baby had passed away. There was no fluid or heartbeat. My heart didn’t listen. I was just thinking, let’s get this moving, and see when the baby is born. My husband knew the reality. I saw it in his face.  My blood results come back and they had to do a redraw as the results weren’t even charting. They thought it was a mistake.

While I waited for the second results, I can hear what’s going on, but my speech is slurred. I try my best to communicate. I keep saying, well let’s just see. I wasn’t ready to admit– accept– that my baby was gone. The doctors came back and confirmed the blood test results. I had developed Disseminated intravascular coagulation. I had not experienced any pains, or any other signs of distress. My blood was not clotting and my uterus was bleeding internally. Since the blood wasn’t clotting surgery was risky, but necessary. They didn’t know which would be safer, induction and risk of hemmorage or surgery, but time was critical. The doctor gave us “the talk” and we prepared for the worst, hoping for the best. I looked at the doc and my husband and said “you are scaring him”. The doctor replied “well this is pretty serious”. They told Joe since I would need to be sedated, he couldn’t be present during surgery. This worried him even more. He called in the elders from church and I was given a blessing. During the next hour after “the talk” my contractions had picked up, my dilation was progressing and the doctors had time to consult with each other as well as specialists from other hospitals. They decided to let me labor, while loading me up with plasma, vit k and cryo. Joe stayed by my side the entire time, helping me focus on taking care of me, and not shutting down from heartbreak. The staff complimented us on how well we worked together and how with everything going on we stayed focused and in good spirits. They said it helped me get through the ordeal better. I’m truly blessed with such an amazing husband.

Labor was intense. I was unable to move, I was emotionally broken, and it took me about 5 hours before I was dilated enough for them to decide to break my water and get the next stage of labor going. I had quite a bit of blood given and drawn. My arms and hands were poked and poked again. Due to the circumstances, and the risks I was still facing, I was sent to ICU to deliver. This was a hospital first, so it was quite the unique organizing.

I told the nurse I was sure they had me hooked to every machine they owned. As someone who births practically alone at home, it was quite crazy to have about 15 people in the room. We had ICU nurses, L&D nurses and several doctors. My pain was intense. I was able to labor as I saw fit, even with the tubes and wires. I deliver on hands and knees, but I had IV’s in both hands so that meant I held myself up on my knuckles. The doctors were discussing if it was time to break my water, and as the doc decided to, it went all on its own. It was full of blood. I was dilated at a 7 and they gave me low levels of pitocin to boost. I knew I wouldn’t be strong enough to labor, especially on pitocin without pain meds. I did not want an epi, and because of my bleeding they said  I couldn’t have one. They gave me morphine. I asked for more. I remember half joking that this was my 12th birth and first to request drugs and I wanted all 12 births worth.

The blood loss was intense. I had been putting all my focus on labor. I tried not to think about the baby, I needed my strength to get through this part. Once the urge to push came, I gave it everything I had. I admit, I was still hoping for the impossible miracle. I pushed and pushed. The doctors caught the baby and I remember asking 5 times “boy or girl” before someone heard me “It’s a Boy”. They wrapped him and gave him right to Joe.

He was beautiful. He was perfect. The doctors had suspected before birth, he may have had a development issue, but he was fully developed. Based on their observations they believe he passed away sometime the night before. I took a video of him moving just before I went to bed. The placenta had a small abruption and was little calcified. Their guess at what happened was that the placenta had started to calcify, the baby out grew what the placenta could manage and the amniotic fluid was too low. His passing caused the abruption, and the bleeding and caused me to develop Disseminated intravascular coagulation. I asked if they could have detected this prior they said it was possible but with all other indicators, I was otherwise healthy. I had not experienced any pains, or any other signs of distress. And he looked perfectly normal. He looked like he should be ok. They said even if they had detected it, we probably couldn’t have saved William. I still carry a lot of guilt.

Joe helped attend to the baby, getting measurements and photos. And just holding him. They were working hard to keep me stable. I had 3 IV’s and several other machines hooked up to me, all of which were tangled from me moving around in labor. Once I was settled I got to hold him. I just kept praying he would wake up. That he would grab my hand back, when I held his. He didn’t. He never did. He never will. He was gone before we met.

The hospital arranged a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Joe bathed William and dressed him for photos. We arranged for all of the children to visit. That was the worst moment in my life. Isaac was with us at the hospital that morning and was the first to know. Jacob came to get Isaac after work, and so both boys were aware. We did not tell the others. When they arrived they were all excited to meet William. I can’t even begin to describe the pain I felt breaking the news. I can only say I am grateful were all together for that time. My heart still hurts from that moment. That’s something else I will carry with me. They each got to hold him, they had photos taken by us and the photographer. We visited as long as we could and then it was time for them to go back home.

Overnight I didn’t sleep aside from nodding off. Joe and I took turns holding William. The nurses kept up on me, checking my vitals, bloodwork etc. Morning came and it was time to say goodbye.

We did all the paperwork and got William ready. Joe took him home. The older boys had built a casket and a dug burial plot on the homestead. The children all put something special in and we buried our 12th child. I was unable to attend, but thanks to FB video chat, I was able to be part of it. I think this will be helpful in our healing, and William is close we can visit and make him a special place.

It’s now Sunday morning and I am still in ICU, my charts look good so I am moving to recovery. I should be good to go home tomorrow. I’ve been in this bubble for what will be 4 days. I know going home will be another hurdle emotionally. I know people will be asking. I don’t know how to handle that.

The staff here at Hardin Memorial have been amazing. Observing the team work made me feel very comfortable. That’s very important to the care given. My needs were listened to. I felt I had control over my medical decisions and never felt bullied. I understood most of what was going on and when I didn’t they made sure to explain things well. Three doctors oversaw my care and all three were gentle, kind and professional. The nurses took care of me like I was a dear friend. I am so grateful they made this traumatic experience as easy as possible.

I always tell people, plan the birth you want, but prepare for something else. I’m always asked, when would I decide to have a hospital birth, I always said when I needed one. This was necessary. I would give just about anything to have had a better outcome but today I’m just going to focus on the fact that I survived it, and I have 11 amazing children at home and a granddaughter to spoil and that I am extremely blessed. I will miss William and feel his void every day. It will be a while before I am ok. My family will need time to heal. But we are strong.

 

167 Responses

  1. Darcy Dallin

    I’m sorry. There are no words. I know it will be difficult but don’t let the negative people get to you and hurt you more. There was nothing different you could have done.

  2. Jennifer

    I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you and your family lots of love. William was absolutely perfect.

  3. Cathy H

    My heart is breaking for you:( I have had 6 early losses and it is something you never get over. I will keep your family in my prayers. William was perfect and beautiful.

  4. Marla

    You and the family are forever in my prayers, and words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss, he was a beautiful baby❤️

  5. redheadednurse

    I am sorry for the death of your baby. I survived DIC, from pneumonia in my case, in 2005. It’s definitely a critical illness that many don’t survive. You will need lots of recovery time, on top of grieving your loss. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is a wonderful organization, so glad you have photos to remember your sweet baby boy.

  6. Shellie Williams

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s hard to lose a loved one. But a child is harder than any other loss I’ve experienced. My prayers are with you and your family.

  7. Erin Gonzalez

    My heart just broke into a million pieces for you and your family!!! You will be in my constant prayers! May God heal your heart and bring you a deep comfort that only he can provide. With all my love and deepest condolences…Erin

  8. Melody

    Heartbreaking story. I had to read it more than once, because I sobbed when I was reading it the first time.
    Heartfelt prayers for you and your family.
    Prayers for your physical and emotional recovery.
    Much love, from Melody in GA

  9. Robyn durkin

    If you all are anything, it’s strong.

  10. Cathy

    Nicole, my heart is broken for you and Joe and the kids, with tears streaming for y’all as I read this. Please accept our condolences and prayers for peace, understanding and healing during this horribly tragic time. I have no other words. No words can make this better. Just know we love all of you. Hugs and prayers—
    Aunt Cathy ??

  11. Laura

    Thank you for sharing your experience. Please know that you are not alone.

  12. Deanna Graham

    I can’t say I’m sorry enough! Big hugs to you and your family! He was so handsome! Stay strong! God be with you all in this time of need!

  13. Sharon Grama

    Nicole and Joe and the rest of your family I’m so sorry to hear about your loss of precious baby William. I’ll be praying for the whole family to be able to heal somewhat from this pain in your hearts. I sure hope all the evil people don’t make any cruel comments on this matter because you know how hateful they can be.

  14. Nadine

    May God comfort and heal you during this difficult time. Prayers for you and yours from me and my family.

  15. Sharon Orcutt

    Nicole and Joe, and family, so very saddened to hear about William, he will be missed by all, take care prayers sent to you all. Sharon & Jim Orcutt, , Cherie and Jimmy

  16. Lisa N. Murphy

    I am so sorry for your lost. Sending hugs across the miles.

  17. Lisa lewis

    I’m so very sorry to hear what you went through. He is a beautiful baby

  18. Lauri Nader

    My prayers are with you and your family, may you lean on God and allow him to carry you through your pain

  19. Paula JB

    My heart breaks for you and your family. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are feeling and won’t try to tell you otherwise. I have kept you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and will continue. Much love to you and your family. Peace to all of you.

  20. Kerri H.

    I am so sorry about William Joseph’s death. I lost my youngest son to SIDS in 2005 and although different circumstances…losing a child is the hardest thing a person can go through, in my opinion. Take care of yourself and allow yourself the time and space to grieve.

  21. saurbeck49

    My heart goes out to you my friend. May God bless you all and hold you in his arms. I just want you to know that that’s where your baby is is in his loving arms. There’s not words that can take the pain away but there is time. And it will give a little bit easier. Losing a loved one is not easy at all and there is times to hurt will come back. But the great thing about this is we have a great God and he will let you see him again. I send you my light and my love from this family to yours. And let let it be known what a wonderful wonderful parent you are sharing this with us. All my love

  22. Natalie Deyton

    Praying for your whole family. William will always be with you.

  23. just me

    Im so sorry for your loss of William. I lost my first son and it took me a very long time to move past that. He would be 13 now.
    I went on to have a home birth (first was hospital ) and with my last baby we planned a homebirth again but he had other plans and we had a hospital birth.
    as women we should always be supported in our birth choices.

    I hope the vile people don’t make this into a mockery but I’m sure they will.
    By the way our son is buried on our land too in a spot with wild cucumber growing.

  24. Pat Santini

    So sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for sharing your story for the world to see. I pray your family finds peace and comfort. God Bless You All.

  25. Aubrey

    I’m so heartbroken for you. Hoping all the littles you have at home can help get you to a more okay place. I’m so happy you survived. ?

  26. MLK

    Oh dear Nicole and Joe, I am so sorry for your loss. Grieve and return to us in your own time. You are loved. xoxox

  27. Paula

    You are the bravest woman I know. Please take good care of yourself during this time. You are loved.

  28. Jennifer

    Sending prayers to your family. I’m glad you received a blessing from the elders. Love our missionaries. ??????

  29. Heather

    God bless you for having the strength to share your story at such a heart breaking time I pray it gives comfort and strength to others who have shared the same experience, sending you love and prayers ❤️??

  30. Tonya

    I cried while reading this! Please accept our condolences. I know you will miss him.

  31. Sherry Nichols

    Sending lots of prayers for your precious family!! My husbands name is also William Joseph! My heart goes out to you all!!

  32. Bevin

    I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Praying for peace for you all. God bless.

  33. Nicole Clarke

    Wow. That was absolutely beautiful and humble and sad all mixed together. May God Bless you and may God Speed bring you Serenity.

  34. Mike/Tara Waldrop

    I am very sorry for your loss. I have just asked the Lord to be all you and your family need during this time.

  35. Donna Giese

    I feel you are a dear friend and must tell you I sobbed as I read your story of William and you ,God had a need for your precious William and dhe saved you so you could raise your awesome family.How precious the moments you bothhad with your son,I am sure he knew you were trying hard to focus.God grant you peace and long happy lives,you are so blessed.Much Love Donna Giese

  36. Sheila

    Oh Sweet Jesus. I am beyond sad for you. Bless your hearts. May you feel Gods Comfort.

  37. Gill cahalin

    I m so sorry for your loss of baby William. You never get over it you just get better at dealing with it .believe me I know .I gave birth to 15 children 12 girls and 3 boys . My men now are 42 34 32 my girls are forever in my heart .I now have 3 grandsons 6 7 8 they help but you don’t forget .hugs and God bless you and your wonderful family including little William xx

  38. Kim

    So sorry for your loss. We loss our 17 month old granddaughter in her sleep. Blessings to you all.

  39. Valerie Goodwin

    I am so so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the heartbreak you are going through. Thinking of you and yours. Xoxo

  40. Cindy

    My heart breaks for you and your family. It’s been 36 years since our baby boy, Sammy, became our angel. There’s not a day goes by that time don’t think of him and wonder how different life would have been had he lived…

  41. Sharon

    I am so sorry for your loss. Even though we don’t know each other, I felt every bit of your emotion as I read your story. This is the first time I’ve ever read about someone else’s loss that was so similar to mine. My son, Justin, was stillborn in 1995. I went in for my weekly Dr visit at 37 weeks and they couldn’t find the heartbeat. I had to go through labor and still remember the silence in the room as he was born and me listening and hoping there had been a mistake and I would hear a cry. They told me that his placenta was calcified prematurely….something they called infarctions….and looked more like the placenta of someone that was 40+ weeks along. I searched for answers as to what would cause it and you’re the first story I’ve heard since that time where calcification was talked about as a possible contributing factor. Unfortunately, I was never able to have anymore children after that. We adopted a beautiful baby 3 years ago. I pray for you and your husband to find comfort with your family (and with a higher power, if you so believe) during this time of grief and healing. Someone gave me a beautiful poem that I still have on my wall to this day and I hope you don’t mind if I share it with you.

    The Lord is our gardener
    And daily as he sows
    He must be on the lookout
    For a perfect little rose.

    So he must have taken your child
    Before he’d fully grown
    Because he was a perfect rose
    He wanted for his own.

  42. Angel

    I am so sorry for your loss but i am so glad you got to spend those precious hours with him.

  43. Tammy stevens

    I will b praying for u Ur son is watching over u he was a cutie sorry for Ur loss

  44. Dianna Downs

    I am so sorry for your loss and to have to go through this, regardless if it’s the12th or the 1st. My prayers are with you and your family !! God must have needed a beautiful baby boy, only if we understood it all, God bless you in recovery

  45. Debbie

    I’m so sincerely sorry for your loss. I’ve been there and it’s heartbreaking. God Bless you and your baby boy. ?

  46. Brenda Webb

    You and your dear family are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m so sorry to hear of your families loss.

  47. Mom

    Oh my God Nicole! I am heartbroken! For my grandbaby, little William, and as your mother, my heart aches so much for you! Moms never want their kids to go thru such heartache. And you have had more than your fair share in this life. My heart aches for Joe, and for each if the children. I love you, and am sending prayers to heaven for you.

  48. Tasia

    I can’t express how deeply saddened I am for you and yours. One moment at a time will move you forward. Breathe deeply.
    Tasia Walsh – Yellowknife, NT, Canada.

  49. Jennae Smith

    I’m so sorry. Praying for your recovery.

  50. Cassie

    I am so sorry for your loss. Love and light to you.

  51. Ellen Horman Piper

    I am so sorry for your loss. You are terribly blessed with 11 other children. My first child was stillborn at full term stage in 1982. It is devastating and something you will never totally heal from. God bless your family and thank you for sharing your story.

  52. Kim Willingham

    I’m so sorry for your family’s loss Nicole and Joe. You know where I am if you need anything

  53. patty L

    So many prayers lifted for your family. I cannot in any way imagine the heartbreak. I do not have to imagine the love our God has for you, and that he will carry you forward.

  54. Laura Pietrowiak

    My heart griefs for you all! You are in my thoughts and prayers and wish nothing but good for you and your beautiful family!

  55. Carol Lahr Patey

    There is no greater sorrow on earth. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and your family. Time will heal, but your heart will always remember this beautiful child. Love you.

  56. Sarah Morrissette

    Thank you for sharing your son with all of us! I will pray for you!

  57. Maria

    He is beautiful, sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing

  58. paula

    Nicole and Joe and brothers and sisters to William,,, you are an amazing family that has been through a lot the past several years. I believe God chooses you to teach others how families are supposed to support and love every situation in your life. The good and the difficult. You have helped many today with your strength and your faith that you all will be in heaven together one day. Godbless you all.

  59. Jean billion (Benoit)

    Our deepest sympathys you take the time you need to hesl for you and your family prayers for all of you

  60. William Hawkins

    Joe and Nichole, I’m so sorry for your loss. We’ll be praying for your family and peace.

  61. Linda Anderson

    So sorry for your loss of William. I know that pain. God bless you. Prayers going up for you and your family.

  62. Yve

    So sorry for your loss, it sounds like while it was heart breaking you had a good and supportive team around you. I wish my experience of stillbirth had been as caring. God bless you all.

  63. Scharley Scott

    I am so sorry for your loss, but William is now the family’s guardian angel. May God bless you and your family.

  64. Misty

    Unfortunately, I am a fellow mamabear- who has felt the same heartbreak. Sending you love, light and healing thoughts. -hugs

  65. Bonnie Spinks

    Thank you for sharing. Sweet William is a beautiful child. No words can help and I know this but I pray for healing for you and your family.

  66. Julie Prince

    I will pray for you. I understand the pain and loss of dear William to your family. My family experienced a similar thing ten years ago. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You took good care of both you and William. You gave him a body!
    Take time for you. Rest, meditate, council with God. Let him carry you for a little while. Love you other children and let them grieve as well. It is such a shock when all the sudden your baby is not there.
    I am so sorry for your loss!

  67. Charlotte

    I no you but I thank you for sharing your story I’m very saddened for your family I have never lost a baby only have three but my daughter has lost two so I know a little of the feeling makes us think and we must push forward and take care of the ones we have left love and prayers sent your way and I’m sure you’re going to be fine what a special family you have again thanks for sharing

  68. Michelle

    I am so,so sorry for you,Joe and your family. My heart is hurting for you. You are all in my racers.

  69. Anette

    I am so sorry for your great loss of your beautiful baby boy . Your story is unfortunately the sad reality for many parents . It was also so for my mom and dad in 1962 . My sister Annie came to this world at home alive but died just shortly after birth . My mother never got to hold her or see her… and she was to sick to even be able to attend her funeral. I can’t imagine how awful it must have been for my mom to never get the chance to hold her little girl and say goodbye. To have some closure . Your blessed you at least got to have that … always count your blessings . God Bless

  70. Wendy mama of 4

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m praying for your family and hope you’re able to go home and be surrounded by their love soon.

  71. Mickie

    So sorry for your loss. May God continue to bless you and your family. William will always be with you and your family in spirit.

  72. nutzturtle@yahoo.com

    Sorry for your loss I pray god has you in his heart right now and guides you thru your pain and sorrow…….

  73. Betsy Gruda

    I’m so sorry for your loss I will be praying for all of you ?

  74. Tamie

    I am so so sorry for your loss. From a mom who has lost a child I can say this is a wound that will never go away but that time eases some. I’m so sorry! ?? your family will be in our thoughts and prayers!

  75. Eulanda Hibler

    So sorry for ur loss..the whole families loss..I’ve had many miscarriages n buried my daughter n granddaughter..and there is never a day that don’t go by..that I question why..I would like to think that now William Joe is keeper of the land..and will watch over all of u to keep safe..dang..my heart is breaking for all of u..and nd anything I say or do cannot change how u all feel..so I’ll just end with a sorry..ur family ever had to live through this pain..can’t imagine..ur have been through enough..Love sent.from the bottom of my heart..

  76. Valerie

    My heart is breaking for you. I pray that you all bring comfort to one another in this time of loss. Your family has faced and endured so many injustices and they have drawn you closer together. Please take time to allow your body and mind to recover. Tune out any negative or hurtful comments and remember how loved you all are. My prayers go up for you. Thank you Joe for being such a kind supportive husband and father during such a trying time. May you all find peace.

  77. Angela Eardley

    Prayers and positive energies sent to all. Fly high with the angels William.

  78. Kerri

    I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby due to stillbirth on 2-17-09, a little girl, our first born, Peyton Elaine. No one knew till she came out that she had passed. It’s hard to understand why these things happen. We have since been blessed with 2 beautiful kids, a boy and a girl. God bless you & your family.

  79. Amanda

    I am so sorry for your loss I pray God continues to give you and Joe the strength you both need to heal and enjoy the blessings you have in your life. You are such a strong woman and I hope you know that. God bless u all!

  80. Renee'

    I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy William. I can’t began to know your pain, but never deny your the feeling you feel and always allow yourself to feel them. Take it one moment at a time.

  81. Theresa

    I will pray for yours and your family’s acceptance at this sad time. God will heal your heart.

  82. Brenda

    He is absolutely beautiful. My heart breaks for you. I lost my baby boy within hours of his birth and daily wish I’d had a photographer and the time together that you had. What a blessing in an awful moment. Know that tho the guilt feelings will try to overwhelm you, there is healing in letting them go. It surely sounds that there was nothing -nothing! You might have done to cause or stop this and I pray you are able to hold that information close in the moments yoy feel anything different. Treasure each blessed memory of the beautiful time you held him as he grew in your womb and know in Christ you will hold him again. I will keep you’re family in my prayers.

  83. Sherry

    I am so sorry for your loss, I have also experienced a still born child. Nothing prepares you for a pain like this. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

  84. Linda Cook

    Let me say first that am so sorry for your loss. William Joseph is a beautiful name. My son’s name is that. Your pain will always be as you know how to love. You will and your family will survive. It won’t be easy but with faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, you will find the comfort in the future. Prayers and blessings to your family.i

  85. ItsMe

    He is a beautiful boy. I pray that the Lord just embraces you and your family through your grief and healing.

  86. cclja

    I am so sad for you. Prayers for your healing and for comfort in this sorrowful time.. You know where he is and you’ll be with him someday. Lydia A Hubbell

  87. Jane

    Oh, I am so very, very sorry for your loss. May God hold you in the Palm of His hand and help you to heal. May He give you strength and comfort and peace.

  88. Anna-Marie

    Dear hearts, I am praying for you and your family. May God’s peace and comfort be ever-present as you all mourn and heal. May God protect you from those that would be negative and instead send helping hands and caring hearts. Matthew 5:4.

  89. Kat

    Praying for you, sweet lady, and your family❤️

  90. Kristen

    I’m so sorry for your loss.?…I also lost a baby and had a trraumatic hospital/blood experience. It really does put things in perspective. Prayers for you and your family. ?

  91. Laurie Hogan

    Such a beautiful boy. My heart hurts for you and your family.

  92. Kelly

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the heartbreak. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  93. Gina Bonfandio

    I am so sorry for your loss, May the Lird keep you and your family in his embrace during this time and may you find peace in knowing that he is always with you

  94. Becca

    Nicole and family,

    I am so sad to hear of your news. I, like many, do not know you personally, but were waiting to hear of the birth news. I wish your outcome had been different. But, as a believer, I know he is in a place that is incredible and loving. While that belief may comfort me, it may not comfort you at this time, but I hope in the future it will.

    Please do not blame yourself, and when you do, read back over these comments and remember, you do not control life and death, therefore, you are not responsible. He is where he was meant to be, just as you and your family are.

    Hug your other babies and your husband, blessings that will help you through this time.

  95. Dusty

    God Bless you and your family. This really hurt my heart, and made me very emotional, and I’m a stranger. I cannot begin to even fathom your heartache, so I say again, God bless you all and I will lift up your name to him in my prayers. You’re such a strong family. Thank you for sharing this difficult story.

  96. amulbunny

    You and your family have my deepest sympathy.

  97. Regina Gorman

    My heart goes out to each and everyone of you ~ Such a sweet, beautiful Baby Boy <3 Rest in Peace William

  98. Liz Dillon

    So sad to hear of losing William Joseph.THinking and praying in this very difficult time for you and yourfamily.. I love the closest of your family and share more everythng. Awesome communication which is a blessing. liz Dilon.

  99. Janet

    I am so sorry for your loss. William was a beautiful boy. I’m glad that you were able to get nice pictures of him. I’ll be praying that God will comfort you during this terrible time, and give you the peace that passes understanding.

  100. Rebecca Waldrop

    So sorry for your loss. Cannot even imagine the pain you all are going through. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. Nicole you an are incredibly strong woman. Thanks for sharing.

  101. Aunt Margaret

    What beautiful pictures. One of my most precious pictures is my husband and son David, born still 5/10/02. May you and your family find peace during this painful time.

  102. Jo Rush

    Praying for comfort for you and your precious family, praying for healing and grace. This is heartbreaking.

  103. Audrey

    He is beautiful. I’m truly truly so sorry from the bottom of my heart for your loss :(. I will say I prayer tonight for you and your family and your sweet boy William. Everyday will be different with emotions but know god will heal your heart and your son William will be your angle right by your side. Bless you and your family. Thank you for sharing I had tears in my eyes but you might helped others that lost there child as well at birth .

  104. Claire

    No words can help ease what you are going through. So sorry for your loss of William, a beautiful baby.

  105. Raeann Peck

    I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. As another mother, I can honestly say I relate to your pain and have recently lost a son. Be patient with yourself and with each other. With God’s help you will grieve, but grow even closer with increased love as a family. You will grow closer to God and know the heart of God better than before. Truly, my heart to yours, I will pray for peace and the presence of the Lord to ease your loss. Families are forever.

  106. Julie

    I am so sorry for your lost! I am sending my prayers and my deepest condolences. God bless you all.

  107. Diana

    I am so very sorry for your loss. My prayers for you, your husband and your children. May you feel the comfort that only comes from the Lord in this time of trial. I pray you feel the arms of our Heavenly Father surround you.

  108. Katherine Parker

    Grieving with you from afar. Thank you for sharing your story–that takes courage. You and yours are in my prayers.

  109. Public comment private life.

    I am one you consider a troll, however, I am genuinely sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy. I have lost a child and would not wish that pain on my worst enemy. No parent should outlive their child.

  110. Hiedi Vogele

    So sorry for such a tragic loss. I am glad you got to hold him and get pictures. Sending our love and prayers for your family.

  111. Brenda Hamilton

    I’m so very sorry for your loss sending hugs and prayers to each of you…May GOD…wrap you in his loving arms in the days to come….

  112. Ann

    I read your story and the memories of the 4 babies I lost to stillbirth in the 1990s came rushing back.
    You will survive this, and in time the pain will lessen but you will always carry your child in your heart.
    God bless you and your family. All of your children are beautiful.

  113. Courtney Hill

    Nicole,

    I’m reading this and crying my eyes out I’m so so sorry! You survived that’s what you have to tell yourself and I’m so happy the hospital was so accommodating and friendly! William looked so precious too I can’t imagine the pain you and everyone in the family is going through … sending my prayers your way… you are a strong woman … hugs I’m so sorry again

    Love y’all
    Courtney

  114. Jacqueline R

    Nothing I could say would make you and your family feel better..that would be impossible right now I know. You have a wonderful family. They will be there for you. I am so sorry you lost him. I know that broke your heart. He was definately a beautiful child.

  115. Mary Cameron

    I am so sorry for your loss of your son . I know it’s hard I lost 2 and they will always be in my heart . I finally have three beautiful healthy girls .

  116. Louise Cox

    having suffered three miscarriages and rejoiced in three live births I feel your pain… my oldest son was almost another miscarriage as he was eptopic… but as I was bleeding and in hospital at 9 weeks… he reatached to the womb lining… 1 in 2 million do that… he is my wonder

  117. Heather black

    Just no words can make the pain ease up. My heart breaks as if he was mine. I lost one. Its been 5 yrs ago. I had heard his heart beat , saw it. Just 3 hours later i was holden the placenta and everything. I’d lost my baby. The pain is still very real. Lifting prayers to your family. May you all find peace with this in time.

  118. Arnette Storey

    We love you and are praying for you. I got to know my child, but for them to precede us in death is hard no matter how old they are.

  119. Angela

    God bless you and your dear family. I am so sorry for the loss of your perfect baby. Bless you. I can only imagine your pain. What a beautiful, incredible family you are.

  120. babz covington

    he is a beautiful baby, your william. something no one says enough about mourning is that whatever you feel next is normal. and next and next, everything you feel while mourning is normal. and you will feel it all . i wish you and your family well. i know your arms are full but your heart feels empty.

  121. severine gaudefroy

    je vous envoie toutes mes sinceres condoleances de france.
    un ange rejoindra les autres petits anges partis trop tot.

  122. Amy Jones

    Your so strong, beautiful and inspirational. I know nothing I can say will help you in any way because loosing a child is the worse thing imaginable. God is with you. And he’s with god. I’m sending my love to you. I’ll be praying for your wonderful family. ❤️

  123. Susan Holub

    There are no words to help heal your pain, or express the sorrow I feel, at the passing of your son, William. Keeping you, and your family, in my Prayers for Healing, Strength and Peace in the difficult time. <3

  124. Mother to an angel

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My daughter and first born passed away 15 years ago. Her name is Emma Rose. I think about her daily.

  125. Sue

    No matter how anyone feels about the way in which you raise your children and run your homestead, may the news of this grievance bring everyone together in sorrow, grace, respect, and mercy, to better understand the beauty that is life on earth!

    May the positive support around you, raise up this beautiful boy, and hand him off to a higher spirit, so that he may watch over your family and bless you. He is surely an angel, free from sin, with a higher purpose. So may you find peace and strength, and bounce back with renewed spirit, powered by this new soul watching over you. And may your children too, find understanding in the beauty that is life.

  126. Susie Baker

    I am so sorry! My heart and prayers goes out to you! I also had a still born baby that void will always be there! Praying for all of your family!

  127. Lisa Nicolette

    So sorry to hear of this! Your baby was beautiful and perfect! My mother’s cousin lost a baby to a genetic disorder a year after he was born! It was really hard to take because I was in grade school and loved the baby.

  128. Tami Pugh

    I’m am so sorry for your devastating loss. One of the hard things is that the world continues to go on, when it feels like everything should stop for such an event. We lost a baby son halfway through the pregnancy and then a 23 yo son to a car accident 2 years later. You can survive this, always turn to the Lord in every thought, even when you can’t feel it, he is holding you in his hand. Families can be forever, I know this. You will grieve differently than your husband and your children, reach out to women who understand when you reach this stage. I will pray for you and your family. William will never be forgotten. He really existed, he will continue eternally, his existence matters, he will make a difference eternally as this experience touches hearts and turns people to the Lord.

  129. Donna

    So very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son William.

  130. Jenea

    I am sorry for the loss of your baby. Nature can be beautiful and cruel. This time it was cruel.
    Will you be taking advantage of prenatal care from now on? Even a slim chance this could be prevented would be enough for me to change my thoughts on medical care.

  131. Beth

    I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss of beautiful William. May God Hold you and Joe and all the children in His Loving Arms while you grieve the loss of your beautiful angel. I also thank God for saving your life at the same time He Welcomed William into Heaven. I weep with you on your loss, Nicole; and I pray for your strength at this time. Many many “strangers” love you like a sister, Nicole. Our prayers are meant as a rock for you to lean on when you’re not strong.

  132. Mama Asbell

    I’ve walked this very hard journey many times. My sincerest condolences in the loss of your beautiful and precious William. Be patient with yourself in the months ahead. Keep your eyes on the Lord and love on your husband and family. Give your soul and physical body the best of care. Be gracious towards those who mean well but hurt you with thoughtless words. Be merciful to those who kick at you while you are down. I am praying for you and yours.

  133. Meagan

    There is nothing that I can say that will make it feel better.
    I have been there, an 18 week miscarriage 3 years ago.
    I know, it is not the same but I know it is one of the worst feelings in the world.
    I am sorry that you have to experience this. It is not something any mother should have to experience.

    You are a strong woman, you have raised a strong family. You all will get through this together and become even stronger because of it. You are a good woman, wife and mother, Nicole, don’t forget that.

    The guilt you stated that you feel you have, will pass. Probably not soon, but it will get easier to carry over time and eventually subside. The Universe can be so cruel, and the people in it even worse. Feel everything and mourn however is right for you. Don’t let anyone tell you that it is right or wrong.

    Prayers/Good Vibes and all the rest are sent to you and your family during this time.

  134. Angela Barber-Alndawi

    I m so sorry about the loss of your sweet baby boy, yet grateful that you were able to get medical intervention on time from yourself. I pray that you heal physically and that you and your family will heal emotionally.

  135. Tina Wright

    I am so very sorry for your loss. He is such a beautiful baby and God will take care of him. You are a very strong and amazing family. God Bless you all. Praying for you and your family.

  136. Linda Marcum

    You are in my prayers. I know what you are going through as I too have lost our 2nd child and the doctors told me I could not have any more children. The pain takes time to go away, however I know from experience with prayer and support from all the positive comments of your family and friends you will make it! Take care of yourself.

  137. Amanda Farricker

    Absolutely breaks my heart. I couldn’t even imagine. He’s beautiful and perfect. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. May this precious little angel rest peacefully in the arms of Jesus. ??

  138. missy cornette

    Blessing to you all……but truly a wonderful, and loving tribute you wrote. William will not be forgotten!

  139. Jen B.

    I’m so very sorry this has happened. I couldn’t imagine the pain. He is very handsome. Its a blessing you are expecting to be healthy again for children you already have. I love that he waa able to be buried on your property. Sending prayers and love during this difficult time. Thanks for sharing your story.

  140. Starr C

    My heart & prayers go out to you & your family.

  141. Laura S

    So very, very sorry. Prayers for you and your family for physical and emotional healing.

  142. Sheri (Red) Tillie

    Nicole, I am so sorry for your loss of William. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Joe and all your children. I have no other words that could possibly offer you comfort. My heart, though, is broken for you and your sadness that I cannot imagine. Sending love and hugs to all of you.
    Love,
    Sheri

  143. Ben

    So sorry for you loss. May the comfort and peace of Jesus Christ bless you all and carry you through this difficult time.

  144. Stacey Morgan

    With everything you all have gone thru these last couple of years, this is so hard to hear…. My love and Prayers are always with each of you.

  145. Julia Brewer

    I’m so sorry for your loss of William and I don’t understand the pain your going through, but I truly believe with all my heart that he’s in heaven with the angels. I hope that comforts you in some way, I’ll be thinking of you and your family and I’ll pray for strength and healing. William Will always and forever will be your baby boy. #TEARSFROMONEMOTHERTOANOTHER.

  146. Alice

    Dear Nicole, I am so sorry for your loss. It is all absolutely heartbreaking. But it was not anybodys fault that your beautiful son died. I gave birth to my second child one month ago and it all made me cry. I send you my support and good wishes and Medicine Buddha vibrations.
    With love

  147. Lucy

    I am so very sorry to hear of your loss! I can’t believe all the hate those who have stalked and harassed you are regurgitating. Some guy named Eric even claimed he cursed you with a Viking curse. It’s just sickening. Those people are behaving so evilly that it makes my blood boil. Ignore idiots like them and immerse yourselves in the live and support if those who display goodness and kindness for you. Please take care, sending you love ❤️.

  148. Beverly S.

    I, like everyone, am so sorry for the loss of your dear child. Thank you for sharing the details of your experience. As a hospice nurse, I dare say it will help with your precious family’s healing. ??

  149. Crystal

    There just are no words. I am so sorry for your loss. I am thankful you survived. It sounds as if you were close to death as well. Please dont think about coudda woulda shoulda, that can only make things worse. Im just so very sorry you and your family went threw this. And im sorry im so late i just came to see how things were going today and found out.

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