National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month. I’m seeing a lot of stories in my news feed. And I had some thoughts I wanted to share.

Both my husband and I were legally adopted by our stepfathers. I was adopted at birth, my husband was 7 I believe. I’ve never met my biological father. I don’t care to. I talk to my “dad” via FB on occasion. But we aren’t close. My husband has little to no contact with either of his fathers. Our birth mothers are merely that. Both of us were unplanned and not exactly wanted. While we were raised by them, we didn’t feel like we belonged. I moved out at 16.  As a young adult my husband was told he was the constant reminder of all his mothers mistakes. My mother always had a coldness towards me. Our siblings are distant. We weren’t physically abused as children, it’s just neither of us had a close healthy family unit. We want more for our children. We work to make sure our family stays close. It’s the very reason we do what we do.

But that’s not what I want to discuss. I’ve seen some hellish stories from families battling family courts. Ive seen documented stories of good families torn apart with no just cause. And children fast tracked through adoption. You should google it. Right here in Kentucky. I know people who have had to make a decision to sign over rights of their younger children who bonded with foster parents, in order to regain custody of their older children. There is a huge financial incentive. And it’s a problem. One we, with others,are working to address.

But there are actual cases of abused children. There are abandoned children who need loving homes. Foster care isn’t always a good answer. Not all foster homes are the loving poster families you see in ads. And foster homes are temporary. Sadly, many teens age out of the system before ever finding homes. My boys talked to quite a few when they spent 8 weeks in a place called Home of the Innocents.

One of the biggest issues we need to address is cleaning out the system. Like prisons, foster agencies are overloaded with people who don’t belong. If we stopped taking children from good homes, stopped tearing apart good families, we would have more time, money and other resources to help those who truly need help.  Just the amount of money spent on my family alone could have provided the local agency with 2 more workers. The time spent on my family could have freed up the workers to focus on more important cases. The resources, the courts time, could have helped other families get their children back sooner. Or helped find homes for the children who have no chance for reunification.

This is where the focus should be. Request your state child welfare agencies are audited. If your state was recently audited read the reports. Push for laws that strengthen family rights and oppose laws that violate family rights.  Push for more programs that facilitate reunification. Wouldn’t it make more sense to keep a family together and help them on their feet rather than tear them apart and expect them to rebuild on their own? Taking a child from a parent doesn’t motivate them, it destroys their spirt and diminishes their motivation. Allow decent people to foster and adopt, but making a stricter screening process based on humanitarian matters not religious, political or pholisoppical issues. A same sex couple should not be denied based solely on relationship status.

Just the few changes can make a huge difference in the lives of anyone who has been involved in the foster and adoption system, regardless of what the circumstances are.


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10 Responses

  1. April

    So true. There seems to be so much waste of resources. Love seeing all of the photos that you post, as always.

  2. Publicommentsprivatelife

    While I agree there are flaws in the system it is there for a reason. Some people who know that they are horrible parents refuse to acknowledge it and will defend their “right” to raise their kids in conditions animals shouldn’t live in. Family court proceedings are kept confidential to shelter the children. I’ve seen first hand absolute horrors that children are subjected to all while their parents claim innocence or misunderstandings. And the general public will never know the truth, only what the parents portray as facts. I’ve seen parents fight to keep their kids while refusing to provide even the basic needs and have no plan or want to improve. I’ve worked in the judicial system from the inside and have read all of the facts in cases and have seen parents vocalize the exact opposite of the truth.
    People refuse to admit that they screwed up and when we’re talking about defenseless minor children there’s not a lot of room for error. Birthing children by no means makes anyone a parent, it’s the aftercare that matters.

  3. ari

    wait why were your boys taken from you and put into foster care?

  4. mommylove7

    Watch the video starting at the 17 minute mark. NYPD Detective exposing the pedophile ring of foster care:

    Clintons are involved with pedophilia according to high level intelligence:

    Audits aren’t going to stop this. KY OIG from 2007 exposed them. NOTHING was done to stop it. That IG is now a representative in the KY Legislature….Robert Benvenuti III. Nothing changes. This is involves BILLIONS of dollars a year.

    The dam is starting to break. Parents need to keep speaking the truth. Thank you for speaking up Nicole.

  5. Nemo

    Years ago I cared for twin baby girls. Their aunt and uncle were fostering them as they were born to a sister who had a crack addiction. I began watching them at one week old. I kept them extra hours twice a week so the foster parents could grocery shop and go out to dinner. They had 3 biological children, one five months older than the girls.

    The foster parents worked full time. After caring for them for eight months from 7-5 and 7-8 twice a week, the foster parents realized it was too difficult for them to keep them. My husband and I said we’d be willing to foster them and even adopt if parental rights were severed. The aunt and uncle were thrilled as they knew we would always make sure the girls had contact with the biological family.

    CPS denied us even though the girls spent more time with us than anyone else. We had all the furniture and supplies they needed since I was already caring for them. The aunt and uncle begged them to let us keep them. The system said, we could not because the girls were African american and we’re Caucasian. That was 25 years ago.

    Those girls went from foster home to foster home never being reunited with mom and never being adopted out. As crack babies they had a few issues and the uprooting of them over and over made it worse. They never were kept in regular contact with biological family.

    We truly loved them and wanted them to be safe and secure, but at least they didn’t have to be raised in a Caucasian home! They don’t even remember us now, but I’ll never forget them. Just another CPS fail.

  6. Sarah

    As an adoptive parent…..I agree with almost everything you stated. The short time we were involved with the state system, I saw many things needing changed. I feel our local agency does the very best with what they have to work with, but the lack of resources and time is so constrictive. Praying for more good people to foster and mentor, more assistance for struggling family and more thinking of what’s truly best for the children. My heart also goes out to the good people working at the agencies who’s hands get tied by beuracracy. I hope no family ever has to experience the heartache that yours went through.

  7. Susan

    So glad you posted this. We have been considering becoming foster parents. It’s a huge leap of faith but knowing there could be at least 1 child that we could love on and nurture would make it worth it.

  8. Anthony Paul - CPS Worker

    So auditing the system wouldn’t take up valuable resources and money that could go towards a more severe case?

    After dealing with over a thousand child protection cases in my line of work, I can say that most parents are resistant to getting their children removed, but the thousand+ cases I’ve seen, every single one of them needed to have their children removed for at least a period of time. I also know that there’s no “rushed court system” CPS has to first obtain a 3 month order, then a minimum of 3 6 month orders before obtaining a permanent order. Unless the parents sign off, which usually means they don’t desire a relationship with their children in the first place.

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